Slice Two - Pulp One: Giving Up is an Option

Or it is what I've been thinking off a lot lately.

Sorry to sound "you-know-what" but I dun know what to do anymore. I mean, everything's just being unpredictable and such that I can't follow it anymore. There are just so many things that I had in my mind that I vented for so long that now, they all boiled up to the point they are steaming inside of me. And since almost everyone I could trust is either away or is busy just like me, I haven't been able to release some of the steam... Sure, I'mma rant about it in here, maybe that would kill some of my time and the pressure.

+Home:
My family are being more frantic than they were before. The hair issue hadn't been brought up till now, they just focused on my studies. Isn't it bad enough that I have to stay up late at night to finish all my school works and then they would all go "That's why you keep failing, you never get enough rest." It's like they do not see the work I am doing to prevent failing again. And what? I only failed one subject due to the lack of points to reach that high cut off rate. They kept on rubbing it in, and now they are saying that I am not attending school anymore? WTF. They just can't tell what's happening to me, and that's how I wanted it to be. I just want them to back off a little. I want Isa back, he knows how I work and do.

+School:
This is what all us undergraduates like to blame for pressure. True, but my academic performance is only a part of why am I down. Sure, I've been doing a lot better on my Analytic Geometry, Web Development and Philosophy classes. All that I am concerned about is that of my Physics classes, lecture and laboratory. I've been missing points on my laboratory class due to my tardiness and absences, I know that was my fault. Though I'd blame it on my state right now.

+Contemplating on life, generally:
Ever had the feeling that everything had just turned on to you? First it feels like a normal thing and then the next thing that you know it is ready to devour the whole of you. Feeling so bad on the inside is not a good thing, yeah I know, but you can't help the fact that you are feeling it. Sure, go out and have some fun with the people who you think would give that fun... but in reality, it's just all smiles and laughter... not fun.

There are things that you could do before since you have the thrive to make it happen. The factors are all there and that is the reason for the success of a certain something. You do stuffs out of knowing that you would all feel the "enjoy" you are all looking for, it was all fun and being laid-back. Though, look at what is happening after that. Everything just faded? You dun know anymore what had occured to make you like what you are now? I mean, come on... can't you see the change? We know that things aren't permanent, you could say that there would still be some things that would go unchanged. "You couldn't see the same river twice." Understood that?

Everytime I went out of the house to go somewhere, I can't help the fact to remember everything that is of my late "someone." I miss the presence of that certain person, often times I see flashes of what would've happened at a certain situation if that person was still with me.

For example, I really hate it when I am all alone even though I look like I prefer to be alone. Walking is one thing, when I walk from a certain tea shop to the campus, it takes me a whole 15 minutes to get there. If that certain someone was with me, all we would do is to mess around and have the fun we used to have before. Another thing is inside the campus, during breaks I often goes around hanging out with various groups and cliques. It's just like that, I am not a part of a permanent group... since I am really an outgoing and social person. Though the feeling of not really being a part of the group I hang out with is kinda, not nice. I know I am welcome and all, but sometimes... my inferiority complex kicks in and makes me wonder what the people I'm with thinks about me. Whether they want me with them or not. If that certain someone was still alive and was going in the same school as me, we would still be hanging around with different groups. But it's like having someone that you could really feel comfortable and safe with. Same thing happens when going home, I would find people to tag along with on the way home. Since I live practically 2 hours away from the university, I dun want to be alone at those times. I'm like something that would cling and tag along to groups that are going the same way with me, but like what I said... sometimes, I wonder if it is getting too uncomfortable to them that I am like this.

Gods, I'm practically living on my memories of while that certain someone was still alive.

If there are things that you wish you could do... things that you think would make everything back to normal and alright. That's plain wrong. Everything's happening not for a reason... but for something else. And I want to know what that something else is.

Orangeful Seeds: Relying on Trust.

Worth more than a ton of regrets and such.

For the whole time I spent existing in this world, I value one thing most in terms of "values" and it is trust.

Merriam-Webster defined it as the "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something" another is that "one in which confidence is placed." But in reality, we all know the general idea of trust. We give it to those who we think are "trustful" and dependable. But are we sure we are giving it to the right people? Something this valuable, do those chosen people really deserve it?

Today, I just gave it away to a particular person earlier. I just hope he would not be like those people that wasted it. I'mma cut this one short since I need some sleep.
I'll just rant about this another time. XD

Orange Juice: Mussing on something/one that is being missed.

Contemplating on What's Not Around: Everything is SOME...

Almost everything that was today is like a continuation of a dream. Well, not really a continuation but it was something that one expects after having a certain dream about a certain something. NO, it isn't THAT kind of dream, something more serious... something that needs some clarification and answers.

So yeah, I woke up to the idea of me being somewhat close to a certain someone, that someone I just met a few weeks ago. It's something like "hugging" that someone since I dun want that someone to fall off. The line "I just dun want someone important to me to die... so hold on" was used. It's just something that had happened somewhere in my past. I'm just wondering why it was repeated on that certain instant at that certain dream with that certain person. The dream went on like that, it made me remember something that had happened almost 3 years ago. That certain someone didn't leave our position.

Back to reality. I know this is something that I shouldn't rant about in here, but this is supposed to be about me... SCRATCH the rule of "blogs shouldn't be your diary" for a while shall we?

Throughout this day, I wondered if that dream was supposed to mean anything. I tried getting along with the one featured in the dream. I got some answers, it was the opposite of what the dream indicated. I don't know if I should tell that someone about the dream *laughs* but I knew I got closer with that someone today.

I think that the matter should be dropped anyway. It's nothing worth worrying about.
I'll just have to remove it from my system, fate would have its way anyway.

Slices on just One Pulp: Recollection(Part 1: School)

So many things had happened.

So yeah, almost after a whole month had passed w/o me really updating anything here... I need to do some briefing for you guys who are reading every rant that I post here.

School:
Alot of quizzes and recitations had been over for the past few weeks of my absence. I'd say that I manage to answer some of them well, and some of them not really well. I've been doing well on my Web Development subject and also my Analytical Geometry one. My Philosophy class, I think I can survive since my standing there is kinda alright compared to someone who is to flunk. Though I can't say that for my Physics class, it's not the simple senior highschool level Physics that I know. Without proper notes, I dun think I will pass the subject. Though the last quiz regarding Newton's Law of Motion, I am hoping to get a passing mark on that since I was given some solution sets of the problems in the book which served as my notes. I wonder if I will pass that subject? XD

Slice One - Pulp Four: Failed attempts.

Err... Bad Luck to the fullest?

Can't really believe how things had turned for the worst. It's like the rainy seasons here where I am. Once again, since I dun have an umbrella - though I had my jacket - I kinda went under the rain. I was kinda soaked and I felt that I'm going to get sick. Earlier in school, I only had one class to go to since we won't be having the other class on the first week - which is a good thing. So yeah, all I did was loiter around the school. Wandering around and upon finding people I know, ambush them. It's fun doing things that you are known for.

I tried to get the attention of one person earlier, though that person was really busy talking to his friends that we actually stood there waiting for that person to notice us. The person DID noticed our presence though it was a bit too late for a conversation, maybe another time. It wasn't really meant to be. Tomorrow, I'll see to it that someone would happen. - Something worth both our while. -

Since I only had once class, I didn't want to go home very early and like I said earlier... it was raining and I forgot to bring an umbrella. So yeah, I did what I do best: Making the public's life have some orange in them. Though, what happened next was that it made me really hungry so I settled down and dragged somebody to eat with me. It's kinda boring when you dun have much to do since you dun have lessons on your courses yet.

After school, I went out with some of my friends. Though I'm not really allowed to go anywhere else after school, I still did. Hey! It's not like I'm gonna do something bad while I'm out eh? The plan was that I would have my haircut on this day but eventually, due to the lack of someone to go with. I scratched that from my schedule and had some fun. Yeah, I have this issue that I can't really make it without someone with me. And the issue about getting a haircut was closed, I agreed on getting myself a new haircut on one condition: "My hair, my style... alright, w/o colors." I'm still yet to be allowed to have some highlights on my hair.

We checked everything from gadgets, gaming consoles and games up to mangas. If I checked some clothing stores out, we would've been there longer than needed.

Gadgets: I saw things I really want to have. A Creative Mozaic MP3 player, Sony alpha900 DLSR, and a MacBook Air. Gods, if only I have the money to spare. XD

Gaming Console: I only checked out the newest series of the PSP, the 3000 one. The one that Sony had claimed to be the PSP that "wouldn't be able to be modded and stuffs." PSPmodders, I salute you all for the future cracking of the PSP 3000.

Games: Everything I asked for were out of stock. -Though I wasn't going to buy any to start with - Though I saw the original packaging of Summon Night 2 for the GBA, and it's original price. XD I'm really happy to have all the roms I needed.

Manga: I had a hard time looking for the store. Once there, checked the shelf for Kekkaishi XD. They only have the two latest volumes on stock. So I just pre-ordered volumes 4-9 and the bad thing was that I forgot to use my other name instead of my real name. I DID WROTE MY REAL NAME ON THE FORM. That's bad for me.

Well, it was everything I phailed on for today... but there's one last thing. I forgot that I had to do some reading and briefing on my Philosophy subject. So right now I'm gonna wrap this up since I'mma do a really fast scan of the pre-socratic era.

Slice One - Pulp Three: Fake Snow Flakes, Real Deal.

It was so cold, it was raining

I only planned on napping for a while and then waking up to watch one of the few shows that I AM actually looking for, yet I manage to sleep until I really had to wake up to get ready for school. Again, since it's the season for the coldness of the world -good weather for those who are fond of the sheer... - I had to pull myself out of my bed by any means. This time, I had to bite my tongue in order to wake up. Erk, pretty weird but it worked after a few sec-minutes of biting it. Enough of that! XD

I forgot to check what was the temperature reading here earlier. It was so cold and also at the same time it was darker than yesterday. The only difference is that it was raining like hell, err... alright not really like hell but it was raining kinda hard. I really regret that I didn't bring an umbrella/even a jacket or anything that would make me warmer. The only good thing about it was that all the rides I had to go to school was as smooth as baby skin, hope everyday is like that.

For now, I'mma post my colorgenics result:

"At this particular time you are perhaps setting yourself too high a target and so you are living in the land of 'make believe'. It would also seem that you have been bitterly disappointed in the past and you are at a stage where you feel that you can trust nobody. You would like to forget it all and turn your back on the past and start anew.

Everything seems to be going against you at this time. Try as you may you are meeting with considerable resistance at every turn. Nothing is going as you would plan. The situation is difficult and you are trying to persist in your objectives against resistance. It would appear that you are being very secretive about your future plans just in case people around you try to thwart you.

You are a very choosy person - demanding and exacting in your emotional demands and very particular in your choice of partner. You are self-sufficient and as a result of this overbearing nature you find it difficult to establish any depth of deep physical or mental involvement with members of the opposite sex.

You are experiencing extreme frustration at this point of time, trying to achieve security and peace of mind, but whatever you seem to do doesn't effect the situation. You are worn out and your energy is being seriously depleted. You may be experiencing what is known as 'heartache' - both mentally and physically. You are a listener and you listen and respond to everything that is going on around you. You feel that all that life has to offer should be within your grasp and you would like to participate in every part of it but the situation is such that every door seems to be closed to you. You just can't understand why that is. But it is - and what's more you feel powerless to change it.

You are worn out and lack both physical and mental energy. This lack of vitality has created an intolerance for any further excitement and you feel that you just cannot carry on; but you have been like that many times before and the situation passed. You again need to get away from it all - even if it is only for a little while. A relaxed body cannot contain a destructive emotion and the secret for you is to just relax."

Well, I think I'mma rant about that later... XD

Slice One - Pulp Two: High Up in the Clouds.

What lies behind one's thoughts?

It all started earlier while walking outside very early in the morning. My surroundings then were so dark since the sun was yet to rise. The wind was very harsh and cold and it kept messing my hair up so I lifted my head up to prevent further damage. The clouds were awesome! I mean, they were there floating and blocking out the rays that were starting to show up causing the darkness all around me. I was really absorbed to the scene that I forgot the coldness and such, it relaxes me and made me want to think calmly in my head - not the usual rant I do when no one's looking -.

I believe that there are stuffs people are very fond to that they would just get absorbed into it, succumbing to its little spell. For me it is mostly anything that emits light or something that a light had an effect on or was the reason why I liked it. From candles to sun sets, even up to a flash light during stormy nights - TV/Monitor glares also work sometimes -. Some of my friends before had told me once about which stuffs works on them. The one I remember most: staring on anything blank. Well, I said everyone would have different things so I do not have anything against it. It worked for him might as well as work for someone like him. XD

Listing down some stuffs that can make a certain individual calm:
1. Shadows -preferably moving-
2. Candles -lit candles, alright?-
3. A blank surface that can cover your field of vision. -let it be a wall with no blemishes or even a simple piece of paper-
4. ALMOST Cloudless Blue Sky -hmm... typical.. XD-
5. Green Scenery -leaves, trees, gardens, forests, fields-
6. Flowing water -your choice-
7. A scene seen from a very high place.

Alright, listed there are what can make ME -specifically- on my zen. But it does not prove that other people cannot benefit from those, things listed there are for the public. It's only up to the public how they would manipulate such stuffs for their positive influence. More people should look for their own 'stuffs' that would nicely effect them not only on emotional and mental sense, people should take care of their souls just like how they take good care of their physical self.

As for me, during my can-I-call-it-meditation-phase I often think of the things that really needs to be thought of not just those random things that I normally want to rant about. Like for example, while I was on my way to school, I thought how I am reacting to situations I see in my every day life. And after a few encounters of said situations, I was able to reason out that most of what I did about it was my brain's first signal to my whole being. I'm still quite not sure how myself works in those kind of situations, maybe in another pulp or slice I would tell.

Till then, try to find yourself more than you already had found.